Grillo is now assemblin' his dadabase of goods und shervishes, and will then wait on the lawn for der mothership to beam me up and take me to the planet Blotos and watch "Ice Station Zebra" in the nude with their crawler bots.
In case you is a total idiot, I, Grillo, offer cool swag such as:
HATS OF LARD - yes! they're hats! and they're made of 100 percent mostly pure lard and stuff! they melt on your head, not in your root cellar!! only $67
PICTURES OF STUFF - you specify, Grillo will satisfy. Wink. Nudge. Cough. Belch. $inquire$
GRILLO's LOVE ADVICE - tell me your problems und I vill tell you why it is all someone else's fault and why you should dump them and go max out your credit card and have loads of unprotected sex. $1.99 a minute until one of us decides the joke isn't funny anymore and hangs up
GRILLO CAKES are big and pink and waxy and smell like a tainted cheese made of household cleanser and gulab jamun. Which in fact it may turn out to be, but who knows? I DO!! AND I AIN'T TELLIN'!!!! FUCK YA!!! $500.00
ASSLESS TROUSERS aid greatly in immediate bowel relief. Patented by myself one night during an especially lucid Pine-Sol trip. $20.00 for a big bagful
BOX OF BLOOD - this am a rare and valuable artifact leftover from my German tour, which consists of a bunch of useless crap and photos of me standing around in a Berea College building with my Little Grillo hanging right out there for God'n everbody to gawk at. $3,000 and autographed!
THE GRILLO DOLLAR - these is doller bills that me drew myself in place of the guy already on there's head. I started to say "dead president" but I don't want to type that because DARPA's soopercomputers might key onto that and I think I was a terrist. $5.00 each
SEX TOY COMPUTER MOUSE - a computer mouse with a sex toy glued to the top of it. Okay, me actually hasn't manufactured any of these yet, but if anyone ordures it, I'll start a-gluin'!!! Buy now!!!! $75.00
THE DANCIN' MAILBOX - oh, it's so funny!! It's a mailbox but it has this thing inside of it that makes it wiggle and dance and play Retrovirus & Opportunistic Infection's "Lonesome Mailman No.1" when you pushes the liddle red button. Grape gag gift for fiends and framly!!! $999.99 plus shlipping
DESIGNER TURTLES - real live turkles with their shells hand painted by GRILLO, with only the finest 47-cents-a-bottle off-brand paint from Wal-Mart's craft section. Ask for our full color (white) brochure. $ inquire $
BAG OF SECRECY - a giant black bag that you can get inside and do whatever you wants, wherever you wants. Ever needed to change clothes in public cause you wet yerself but the restroom is occupied (which is prolly why you wet yerself inna first place)? Climb in the bag! Ever wanted to flagellate yer turkeywhistle in the middle of a crowded airport? Climb in the bag! Hiding from enemy agents? Jump in the dumpster and climb in the bag! No one knows what goes on behind closed bag! 9.99 while supplies last
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